#if anyone writes this (PLEASE DO) please honor my jask isn’t human note it gives me so much anxiety when he’s human

[jaskierisbi]

okay y’all, this chaotic idea will NOT leave my mind so imma make it your problem too

okay, so jaskier and geralt have been traveling together for a full year since they met, the two of them not having split up once. jaskier didn’t want to risk geralt leaving him forever because he’s a grumpy and skittish motherfucker so jask stayed by his side since that spring day in posada

until geralt announced he was heading north to kaer morhen, of course

jaskier is sad, because he was really enjoying his (insanely attractive) new very best friend in the whole wide world, but realistically, he admittedly needed a break. jaskier falls hard and fast and spending so many months with geralt wasn’t helping. if they stayed together any longer, he might do something he’d regret like profess his undying love or kiss him or something

I mean, how could he not? jaskier had seen on more than one occasion geralt refuse pay for even dangerous contracts if he saw the family was starving. if a child was inquisitive of him instead of fearful, he would be in a good mood for the rest of the day. he took meticulous care of roach, talking to her softly and fondly

he always let jaskier eat first. was patient with him when jaskier expressed he wanted to help forage and gather potion supplies but didn’t have any useful knowledge about plants. he showed jaskier how to set traps and let him season their food (“it’s better like this, geralt, admit it”)

after jaskier got into a fistfight with three other tavern-goers when they dared insult geralt in his vicinity, the witcher quietly wrapped his hands and looked at him with something soft in his eyes. not long after that, if jaskier was running low on lute strings or ink for his pen, they would ‘mysteriously’ end up in his bags

geralt went from being annoyed with his presence, to tolerant, to begrudgingly fond. jaskier saw how he relaxed when he sung softly and strummed his lute across the campfire. once, geralt had even let him braid his hair when he was in a good mood after a contract

with all of this considered, jaskier’s romantic heart had more than enough ammunition to fixate on his newfound companion

yes, distance should do him good

except that it didn’t

he just spent his entire winter teaching at oxenfurt and dreaming about meeting up with geralt in the spring. he didn’t even bed anyone the entire cold season, which was so abnormal that even his friends commented on it

so when jaskier’s eyes fell upon geralt’s figure on the road outside the tavern they agreed to meet up at, all logic left his mind

he distantly can recall shouting out a friendly greeting to the witcher but before he knew what he was doing, he had kissed geralt straight on the mouth

jaskier immediately leapt back with barely concealed horror. the two men stood in silence, staring at one another. geralt’s face gave away nothing and jaskier was thinking a mile a minute for a way to excuse his impulsive act

a lie formulated in his mind. not the best one, but it was the only one he could come up with in less than a minute

“what? that’s how you greet friends in lettenhove, did you not know?”

geralt’s brows furrowed and he tilted his head. “…no.”

this is just a long winded way of me saying that jaskier has to stick with his lie and kiss all and any of his friends- new and old- hello (with geralt being slightly confused and jealous in the background)

AND THEN THEY START RUNNING INTO ALL. OF. HIS. FRIENDS. essi. pricilla. shani. and every time, jaskier made pleading eyes at each of his friends before kissing them basically out of nowhere, very aware of geralt’s watchful gaze

they narrow their eyes at him but the sheer panic in his eyes swayed them to wait and listen to jaskier when he pulled them off to somewhere private

they think it’s fucking hilarious

~also, jaskier isn’t human in this because I want him and geralt to live happily ever after together after they eventually get their shit together~

[jaskierisbi]

okay part two because this still lives in my head rent free:

and y’all. this shit. goes on. for YEARS

he can’t escape it. jaskier dug his own grave and he has to lie in it. he will never know peace again

like, it doesn’t just stop with those few close friends. soon he runs into old friends from oxenfurt, previous teachers, childhood friends

thank god being an impulsive idiot was so true to his character so they didn’t immediately wrench back from him in horror. at this point, everyone who knew him knew he was the biggest disaster they’d ever meet and would begrudgingly wait for him to explain what frivolous situation he’d found himself in this time

his friends? have never been in touch with each other so often. they keep in constant contact with each other, discussing when it would be the most comedic timing to ‘run into’ jaskier and his boy toy in their travels

if essi, shani, and pricilla just so happen to all be together at the beltane festival in cidaris where they’d heard jaskier was performing? wow, what a strange coincidence! kiss up jaskier!

is making eye contact with the witcher when they kiss jaskier a bit on the nose? flirting with danger by annoying a witcher? they’re not sure, but geralt would never hurt a friend of jaskier’s. and they totally agree with their ridiculous friend- geralt’s pouts are adorable

they place bets on how long his hijinks will last before he or geralt cracks in their letters. considering the fact that jask hadn’t even worked up the courage to disclose his less-than-human heritage, they were guessing they were in for the long-haul

even acquaintances have caught wind of this disaster. childhood friends? you bet. family friends? of course. hell, his parents know about it at this point. they’re all laughing at him. any and every person jaskier knows with even a hint of chaotic energy plays into the game. jaskier will never be safe again.

geralt? he hates when he and jaskier split up, whether because there is a contract in the opposite direction of a court or celebration, or when they go separate ways for the winter months. BUT. if he’s giddy to get that reunion kiss? that stays to himself. he’s self aware enough at this point to admit he misses the other man when he’s gone, but the kissing part? firmly kept to himself

if geralt enjoys jaskier’s warm lips smiling against his every time they meet up? if he has to stop himself from leaning forward and chasing those lips for a second, third, fourth kiss? well, that’s no one else’s business but his own.

the ugly thing that curls in his gut when jaskier bounds up to an old friend and kissed them square on the lips? he must have food poisoning or something (“geralt, witchers can’t get food poisoning-” “shut the fuck up eskel”)

did essi just wink at him?!? while kissing jaskier?!? no, he must be mistaken… trick of the eye, he’s sure

speaking of geralt’s fellow witchers? they knew the whole lettenhove-kissing-thing was bullshit the minute the story left geralt’s mouth. did that mean they would put out geralt’s misery? NOPE!!! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!

(if they were secretly relieved that their brother’s crush was requited? no one needed to know. and that certainly wasn’t going to stop them from tormenting geralt)

his brothers now keep an ear out for the white wolf’s whereabouts year-round. for maximum fuckery, they make sure to ‘run into’ jaskier when he’s not with geralt before when they’re together, so geralt would have no idea that jaskier was now (obligated) to kiss them

it doesn’t even stop with them

aiden? got the go-ahead from lambert for the Jaskier Smooch™. coën? needed some more drama in his life and this seemed adequate enough

jaskier doesn’t even mind kissing the (very handsome) witchers, but after this long, there is just one witcher he wants to kiss. just one person he wants to kiss.

but it’s too late. he’s. in. too. deep.

at least he has the indulgence of kissing geralt every time they meet, even if that means he has to kiss literally everyone else. geralt is worth it

no we don’t talk about the yennefer incident. at least she took it gracefully afterwards with minimal cursing at jaskier. the chaotic bitch (affectionate) takes to the ruse with glee if only to mess with and annoy their shit out of geralt

okay y’all, this chaotic idea will NOT leave my mind so imma make it your problem too

okay, so jaskier and geralt have been traveling together for a full year since they met, the two of them not having split up once. jaskier didn’t want to risk geralt leaving him forever because he’s a grumpy and skittish motherfucker so jask stayed by his side since that spring day in posada

until geralt announced he was heading north to kaer morhen, of course

jaskier is sad, because he was really enjoying his (insanely attractive) new very best friend in the whole wide world, but realistically, he admittedly needed a break. jaskier falls hard and fast and spending so many months with geralt wasn’t helping. if they stayed together any longer, he might do something he’d regret like profess his undying love or kiss him or something

I mean, how could he not? jaskier had seen on more than one occasion geralt refuse pay for even dangerous contracts if he saw the family was starving. if a child was inquisitive of him instead of fearful, he would be in a good mood for the rest of the day. he took meticulous care of roach, talking to her softly and fondly

he always let jaskier eat first. was patient with him when jaskier expressed he wanted to help forage and gather potion supplies but didn’t have any useful knowledge about plants. he showed jaskier how to set traps and let him season their food (“it’s better like this, geralt, admit it”)

after jaskier got into a fistfight with three other tavern-goers when they dared insult geralt in his vicinity, the witcher quietly wrapped his hands and looked at him with something soft in his eyes. not long after that, if jaskier was running low on lute strings or ink for his pen, they would ‘mysteriously’ end up in his bags

geralt went from being annoyed with his presence, to tolerant, to begrudgingly fond. jaskier saw how he relaxed when he sung softly and strummed his lute across the campfire. once, geralt had even let him braid his hair when he was in a good mood after a contract

with all of this considered, jaskier’s romantic heart had more than enough ammunition to fixate on his newfound companion

yes, distance should do him good

except that it didn’t

he just spent his entire winter teaching at oxenfurt and dreaming about meeting up with geralt in the spring. he didn’t even bed anyone the entire cold season, which was so abnormal that even his friends commented on it

so when jaskier’s eyes fell upon geralt’s figure on the road outside the tavern they agreed to meet up at, all logic left his mind

he distantly can recall shouting out a friendly greeting to the witcher but before he knew what he was doing, he had kissed geralt straight on the mouth

jaskier immediately leapt back with barely concealed horror. the two men stood in silence, staring at one another. geralt’s face gave away nothing and jaskier was thinking a mile a minute for a way to excuse his impulsive act

a lie formulated in his mind. not the best one, but it was the only one he could come up with in less than a minute

“what? that’s how you greet friends in lettenhove, did you not know?”

geralt’s brows furrowed and he tilted his head. “…no.”

this is just a long winded way of me saying that jaskier has to stick with his lie and kiss all and any of his friends- new and old- hello (with geralt being slightly confused and jealous in the background)

AND THEN THEY START RUNNING INTO ALL. OF. HIS. FRIENDS. essi. pricilla. shani. and every time, jaskier made pleading eyes at each of his friends before kissing them basically out of nowhere, very aware of geralt’s watchful gaze

they narrow their eyes at him but the sheer panic in his eyes swayed them to wait and listen to jaskier when he pulled them off to somewhere private

they think it’s fucking hilarious

~also, jaskier isn’t human in this because I want him and geralt to live happily ever after together after they eventually get their shit together~